so short and so rare and so striking

perhaps this is the result of therapy or something

I wish I could point to an example, but I can’t remember one in detail, so please forgive me. But I know that there have been times in my life when I have received praise so specific that it actually assuaged my many insecurities for a fleeting moment, and I know that has happened because that sensation is so short and so rare and so striking.

What I mean is this: perhaps you are at a party or an alumni event or just having drinks with one of your friends, when someone compliments a part of yourself — maybe your knack for public speaking or your knack for maintaining an on point-Instagram aesthetic, whatever. And you find yourself dumbstruck because that person managed to lift up a quiet piece of your life that you work very hard on and are therefore, as a consequence, terribly, terribly, self-conscious of. But no one knows that, per se, because you’re so anxious about whether or not you’re really pulling it off that it makes it impossible to objectively measure on your own, let alone speak that concern into existence. Most people, even close to you, have no idea that you are so self-aware about that one thing!

So when that person — who generally has no idea the significance of what they’ve said to you, and who often also is an unexpected messenger — points to that one tender button in your psyche and tells you that you are killing it, or that they’re impressed with you, that feels so, so damn good. So much so that it probably renders you temporarily speechless. And when you do talk, your voice goes up an octave and you gently verify that they’ve just said what they’ve said.

I’ve been thinking a lot about ways to make that feeling last longer, to summon the memory of that sensation at times when I am feeling most vulnerable. It’s not to puff myself up, per se, but to remind myself that I am good at things and that I am worthy of taking risks and putting myself out there. Perhaps this is the result of therapy or something, because now that I’m thinking about it, this sounds like an exercise my old therapist might have employed to help me quell my anxieties. Maybe it’s just the CBD.

In any event, I’ve found that simply recalling those times when I’ve felt genuinely supported, seen, and believed in has lately helped me tell my impossibly self-conscious inner monologue to take the back seat, and let me do something I want to do for once. Just turning to myself and saying, “hey, don’t forget that you are harder on yourself than anyone else you know,” has done wonders for my ability to hit the play button on ideas rattling around in my head. I’ve been ruminating on this as I’ve launched Manqué, of course, which is why we’re even talking about this right now.

On New Years, I said that I was listening to Cardi B all day because that’s the energy we are bringing into 2019. I wouldn’t be a Virgo if I didn’t love a goal. So here I am, and, as Zoe just said to me today, the boat’s in the water now.